Day 12: becoming a cookie monster. March 27, 2010

It’s odd, I’ve given myself 100% to trying to eat exactly what I want.  The eating only when you’re hungry part is harder, but I am trying to at least be conscious of where my body is at in terms of satiety, which is definite progress.

Unfortunately, I’m still living on cookies.  I suppose I haven’t given it the full two weeks that Geenen Roth did, but I still feel a little worried.  What if I always want to live on cookies?   I know the negative health effects from a diet high in refined carbohydrates, sugar, and saturated fat.  But man, is that stuff delicious!  All I can do is tough it out.  Take deep breaths and try not to freak out over my ballooning thighs.  Try to figure out ways to sneak in regular physical activity to help calm down my fears over weight gain.  Although I’m starting a really busy rotation soon so that isn’t going to be easy.

A great thing about this process has been how many foods have completely lost their power.  I used to be able to eat an entire loaf of bread (or pretty close to it).  It was one of my binge foods, I couldn’t keep it around.  But now, it’s lost it’s power.  I have a loaf of bread sitting on my counter and I haven’t eaten any.  I don’t even really feel like eating any.  I have oreos sitting in my cupboard, and I realized that I don’t really even like how they taste that much.  A week ago, I’d eaten an entire bag in one sitting.  It’s weird how removing the “forbidden” label has done a ton to help reduce my need to binge.  It’s not eliminated, but it’s going down.  Slowly but surely.

I still eat when I’m not hungry.  I still struggle at night not to eat more than my body needs or wants.  But I can honestly say I feel like I haven’t had those feelings where I’m just completely out of control recently.  I’m choosing to eat this food, I know I’m not hungry, I’m recognizing that I’m using food to feel numb.  I’m still not entirely aware of what emotions I feel like I need to blunt, but being cognizant of what’s going on is at least a step forward.  And I haven’t purged once since I’ve started really trying to eat intuitively.

And today, I actually craved an icy-cold glass of milk!  Maybe it’s just because milk and cookies go so well together, but hey, it’s at least a food with some nutrition.